For thousands of years, humanity has invited animals into our homes and into our hearts. Whether bulldogs or bullfrogs, we love our pets as part of the family and they have been so important in staving off loneliness during the eternal pandemic. I find it amazing that humans can form a bond with so many different creatures and that connection can go both ways, with the pet welcoming the owner into it’s pack/herd/swarm just as happily.
However, many people who want a pet struggle to find the right one for them. Choosing between a puppy or a parrot is a monumental decision that will change your future drastically. Luckily for those who need help making this decision, I have put my mind to the matter and have decided that there is one pet for everyone. One animal that is the perfect companion for humanity, forming an unbreakable partnership that only makes both of their lives infinitely better. With every scientific study like this, we have a few factors to consider which I’ll quickly cover now. It’s worth noting that I’m only taking into account currently domesticated animals, as having non-domesticated animals as pets can be unfair on them.
Adaptable
Humans live in a wide variety of places in a spectrum of different lifestyles. The perfect pet is going to need to be able to handle everything from snowy mountains to the streets of Hollywood.
Low Cost
In order for this pet to be perfect, it needs to be accessible to everyone. That means it needs to be able to live comfortably on a low budget.
Well-behaved
My current cats spend most of their time scratching at my table, sofa and face. Surely there must be a pet who is slightly less of a bully, and who treats my home and my face with respect. Additionally, some pets will have to travel on packed airlines or be comfortable with hordes of snotty children crowding them, so a calm demeanour will be essential.
Independant
A pet is a companion, not a hinderance. It should be able to function independently of its owner when they are away while still being affectionate when they’re together. This rules out most houseplants.
Intelligent(ish)
A stupid pet can be adorable, but there is still a level of intelligence that we look for. Knowing to go to the toilet outside rather than in my cupboard is the right level. They don’t need to solve puzzles and write haikus, just need to know what is acceptable and what most definitely is not.
Useful
We use dogs for hunting, cats for pest control and many other animals for many different jobs. For the relationship to be perfect between owner and pet, the situation needs to be mutually beneficial.
Hygiene
We want a pet that doesn’t stink up the house and spread filth on the walls. A pet is a best friend, but I’m not sure even my human best friends would stay in that position for long if they didn’t meet this criteria.
Cuddliness
Arguably the most important of the factors, but physical contact is something that we as a society are severely lacking at at the moment. Having something to cuddle up with on these cold winter evenings is a gift, and should be treasured.
Now that that’s been outlined, I can go over how we’re going to score the contestants to find the best possible pet. We have seven separate categories, and each pet will be scored in each on a scale of 0-10. After they’ve been scored, I’ll find the percentage of the total score compared to the maximum score of 70. This percentage will be our measure, the perfect indication of a pet’s compatibility with its owner. The higher the final score, the better candidate the animal is.
It’s finally time to work out the results. I can confirm that a standout winner has emerged, and is ready to be revealed along with the two runners up. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you humanity’s top three pet partners, presented in reverse order.
3. Cats – 77% Perfect
While some of them may be angry balls of fluff with needle sharp claws, I can’t deny that they have done very well using my compatibility scoring system. Variants of them can thrive everywhere from equatorial Africa to the most northern forests of Norway, and they’re smart enough to know the rules of the house. Whether or not they abide by those rules is a different matter entirely, and training a cat can be next to impossible. They’ve sailed with us across oceans and have managed to ingratiate themselves into almost every society, even being worshipped by some. They are playful and affectionate when they want to be, and then cold and distant when they don’t. A cat is a gamble, but could be a wonderful pet. Just, not THE most wonderful pet.
2. Dogs – 84% Perfect
‘Man’s best friend’. Obviously dogs were going to be high up on the list. They’re everywhere, and for good reason. Coming in all shapes and sizes, they are probably the most adaptable pet on the planet. Whether you live on the ice fields of Svalbard or downtown Singapore, it is almost guaranteed that you will be able to find a dog perfect for your situation. They can be excellent companions, proven perfectly by the existence of guide dogs. I’ve never seen a guide horse or a guide weasel, because dogs are so perfectly suited to the task that they are the obvious choice.
1. Pigs – 89% Perfect
The champion of all potential pets. The domesticated creature with the highest score across the testing categories, and the perfect animal companion for everyone. The humble, yet adorable, pig. Man’s true best friend, these snouted beauties tick every box an owner could ask for. Incredibly smart, pigs are considered the 4th most intelligent animal in the world and the most intelligent domesticated animal. They can be trained to accomplish all sorts of tasks, and can even problem solve to a basic level. Going against common perceptions, pigs are also one of the few animals that will actively wash if given the chance and will shower if one is available to them. They did lose some points in adaptability, but with a range from micro-pigs to boar covered in thick fur it’s unlikely that one variant couldn’t happily exist in any but the most extreme habitats. They are used for gathering truffles, not only delicious but also outrageously valuable, as well as keeping forests healthy by eating masses of dropped acorns every autumn. They love to play, love to snooze and love giving and receiving affection. While some larger variants might be a little expensive to house, they are easy to feed when they’re settled. Spread the word about your new porcine friend and I can almost guarantee that the local neighbourhood would help you out with plentiful scraps and veggies. Don’t worry about barking or screeching, just enjoy the gentle melody of grunting snorts. Truly the perfect addition to any home.
Well there you have it, pigs are officially been scientifically proven to be the best pet in the world. Do with that information what you will. In reality, the perfect pet for you is whatever pet makes you happiest in your current situation. If you decide that a fish or even a houseplant is right for you, then that is your perfect companion and I wish you both the best of luck. It’s the wrong decision, pigs are the correct choice, but you’re free to make your own mistakes. Just means more pig friends for me.
